Christmas is a wonderful time of the year where we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ, savior of the Christian faith and symbol of rap proliferation across the globe. In celebration of such a momentous occasion we all gather with our families and…

Get greedy! Christmas, although a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which can accurately be seen depicted on things from wall hangings to dildos, is also the time of getting lots and lots of gifts. While some of the older or more religious people might remember a time when Christmas wasn’t so commercialized, people my age remember it as a time when you get lots of cool toys for the coming year. As such, many parents are now left out in the cold (partly because they’re waiting in a line to get into a goddamn mall) wondering what to get their kids for Christmas. I realize that many lists have already arrived detailing the best and worst Christmas gift ideas for this year. Even still, I decided it couldn’t hurt to put in my two cents for those parents that are still struggling with what to get their ungrateful brats for Christmas.

The “I Wanna Pet” Brat

There’s always one of these in the family. What kid doesn’t want to have “man’s best friend” or some aggravating ball of fur to take care of every waking moment? Now let’s be honest, parents, you know if you get the kid anything with four legs, it’s going to end up being your pet. You will clean up every mess it makes, you will feed and housebreak it, and you will stop your child whenever he/she tries to torture the pet to death. Now you want to get your kids what they’ve always wanted, but can’t think of a way to appease the child while keeping your sanity, right? The solution is the common hermit crab. Hermit crabs are quite possibly the simplest pets ever. Wet their sponge, drop some pre-made food into a seashell and you’re done. And there’s none of that pesky “attachment” that comes when you get a dog. Hermit crabs are transient. Not only will the child fulfill their brief desire to have a pet with no responsibilities, but when it dies in a few weeks, you need only dispose of it in the trashcan. A pet with no hassles; everyone wins.

The “I Wanna Video Game” Brat

This type is harder to satisfy because of their diverse needs (read: they want too damn many things). There is, however, one solution. Pick a game like Half-life 2. Between the installation, the authentication, and the load times you’ll never see that child again. This game may or may not have good game play, graphics or sound, but you can be sure that you won’t have to deal with that child again until at least next Christmas. And they’ll only just be getting to play the game at that point. This gift is the gift that’ll span multiple Christmi (plural for Christmas, of course); the gift that keeps giving, if you will. If, for some reason, that doesn’t capture your child’s interests get Katamari Damacy. Because nothing screams good, wholesome fun like rolling a ball around the world and shooting random objects up into the sky to become stars.

The “I Wanna Piece of Candy” Brat

This is brilliant because the people of our nation are far from corpulent enough. We certainly need to spend all of the holidays acquiring more and more fat inducing sweets for the year to come. Nevertheless, this child is relatively easy to shop for. Candy is in no short supply in this country. Just stop off at the candy store and pay as much as you normally would for their gift, strictly in candy. Your kid will be so sick of candy that they’ll probably swear away from candy and become a successful model by next year. Then you can bump them to the next category.

The “I Wanna Pair of Clothes” Brat

I’m not sure that I’ve ever really met a child that wanted clothes for Christmas. More often than not, the clothes are tossed aside as soon as their non-toy nature is discovered. Nevertheless, if you have one of those freaks of nature that detests fun, the people at Old Navy have compelled me to state, in song, that they have Old Navy Performance Fleeces for the holidays. They would also like me to state that they are in no way, shape or form holding me against my will and forcing me to advertise for them at the threat of singing that obnoxious song one more time (get help… please…).

The “I Wanna Bit o’ Cash” Brat

Oh sure, you work hard all year and now your kid wants a piece of the action. But they don’t want it in the form of a clever gift, something that says “I know you, my child, and I understand the things you like.” They want cold, hard cash. And I’ll tell you why, parents. Your child is a filthy drug addict. Don’t believe the stories they throw at you like “I want to donate it to a good cause because I have enough just being with my family” or “I really need the money to buy books next semester.” They’re doing cocaine-laced heroin upstairs right now, listening to satanic music as they muse about how they’ll one day kill everyone in their high school. All the kids are doing it, I swear; asking for money is but the first sign.

The “I Wanna CD” Brat

This is a tough type because there’re so many different subtypes of this brat that you probably couldn’t count them. And what’s worse is that using your own experiences as a frame of reference is completely useless. So few parents know what their kids are listening to these days that to try to get them music as a gift would almost be gifting suicide. Nevertheless, the best method for trying to choose music for kids of this generation is to find the most offensive thing possible; the dirtiest, most terrible sounds that have ever reached your ears, and buy three. Another solution would be to just skip the middleman, the CDs in this case, and just lodge a fork in your child’s ear to deafen them. Let’s be honest, parents, it was going to happen sooner or later anyway, with or without the fork.

The “I Wanna Cell Phone” Brat

Look, parents, I’m going to make this simple on you. I’ve made a chart of kids that should have cell phones and kids that shouldn’t. Hopefully this’ll stop a lot of cell phone related deaths (and by that I mean it will stop me from having to kill a kid with their own cell phone).

Ages:

1 – 6 : Are you mad?!
7 – 12 : You know, I hear cell phones lead to pre-mature death in young children. (see: above)
12 – 18 : Kids are just starting to get friends to call. Imagine the phone bill!
18 – 21 : Your kid’s going to either be too busy in college or working to use the cell phone much anyway. But, if you must, this is about the right age.
21 – X : They’re old enough; make them buy their own damn phone.

The “I Wanna Football” Brat

This one is pretty straightforward. It’s fairly easy to find a football this time of year (or any other time of year, for that matter). The problem here is the wide variety of footballs that are now around. Do you want the standard “pigskin?” What about a nerf football? Nothing says fun like having a football that can hit you right in the groin and cause next to no damage! And if a nerf football, then what? Standard football shape? Or what about the football (editor’s note: David had actually written kid, instead of football, which seemed much funnier) with the tail on the end so that it spirals when it’s thrown? Or how about a football that has plastic whistles in it, so that it not only makes a piercing sound when you throw it, but completely nullifies the point of having a foam football? All of these would make mediocre gifts, but anyone knows that all the sports enthusiasts of today want the SPC Football. SPC, you ask? That’s right, the steel-plated, chrome football. When your kid has 50 pounds of solid, stainless steel flying at their face, they’ll be having so much fun, they might just go into a coma!

The “I Wanna Computer” Brat

Look, you’re going to be on the phone with tech support for the next two weeks trying to get it to work. Then it’ll ACTUALLY break. Do yourself and me (because lord knows there’s already enough stupid people on the internet) a favor and don’t get the kid a computer. Get him something less dangerous (to himself and society), instead; like a rusted knife.

The “I Wanna <insert anything here>” Brat

It’s not all that uncommon, particularly in younger children, to have a child that wants everything. It’s like they went through the toy store and took inventory before handing the list over to you. Not only do they want one of each item that they’ve seen in the last 5 years, but they would like duplicates of some, just in case. The best way to handle this is to buy something cheap that you can buy in bulk, like packing peanuts. Get two or three tons of packing peanuts, and if the sheer weight of the gift doesn’t take care of the problem, they’ll probably be so lost in the sea of packing peanuts that you’ll never see them again anyway. You’ll only be out 20 bucks for all those packing peanuts (or up several thousand a year, depending on how you look at it) and the kid gets something they’ve always wanted in massive quantities. It’s a win – win situation.

The “I Wanna ….” Brat

There may be nothing worse than a child who is completely ambivalent about what they receive. More often than not, you’ll end up spending more money on them than you would for someone that knew what they wanted, and nine times out of ten they’ll appreciate it less. This child seems relatively content with whatever they have and doesn’t bother to ask for more things for Christmas, leaving you, the parent, at a complete loss for what to get him. There’s not much help I can give you for this one. You can attempt to fall back on any of the previous plans, or you can ask their sibling (if they have one) for gift ideas. Be careful, though. If you get something that the sibling suggests you may end up getting the wrong present for the wrong person. The real solution here is to get that ungrateful little bastard nothing. No toys, no gifts, don’t even feed him on Christmas day. Maybe next year they’ll be a little more thankful for what they have: loving parents that want to spend money senselessly, but on things they actually want.

That should about sum it up, parents. Remember: each child is unique; they demand a different gift, specialized to their particular needs and wants. But also remember this: if there were no child, you wouldn’t have to get them a gift. Without any children, your holiday troubles are solved! Think of all the money that you’ll save in the coming years by sending your child into slavery today. So this holiday, get your child what YOU really want: a one-way plane ticket to a sweatshop in Korea.